"Good" Morning

I finally started on a different medication yesterday. Nuvigil was great in the beginning, but before I knew it I was a completely different person. My husband finally confided in me that he was often scared to even talk to me or ask a question for fear of my crazy irrational responses. I knew I was more irritable than normal, but I had no idea it was that bad. I knew that wasn't me. I was never mean or nasty on purpose. I have always been a person that understands the power of words and the effect they can have on others. This understanding comes mostly from my own experiences in the past and I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I wouldn't ever make someone feel like I felt... 

I broke my promise...

I find comfort in knowing that some of this comes from the nuvigil itself. What kills me is that was I so caught up in my own misery for the last few months that I couldn't see what I was doing to my family. I'm sure it goes even further than that too. What about my coworkers? Strangers I meet? Extended family? My friends? 

I've got a lot of fixing to do! 

I already feel like I am in a much better place. It feels good to care again, To not feel paranoid and aggressive. I can speak a thought without it getting jumbled up coming out of my mouth. 

It is really hard coming to terms with the fact that I just thought I had to feel that way to stay awake. I am hoping this new medicine is a good fit for me. 

I just started taking Vyvance yesterday. The first day was hard as the Nuvigil wore off much faster than the Vyvance is taking effect. It's okay though, I can surely get through a few days of oddness for the hope that I can get back to me or even better a more energized me!

Mending the fences is going to be the tough part for me. My family and friends are much more understanding than I believed. I can see now that without even apologizing yet, they have already forgiven me. The toughest journey will be forgiving myself and moving forward more aware of my actions and what I have to work on recognizing. I was so focused on what they didn't understand that I could not see what they do understand.

Time to go to work...